Unfundamentalist

Above All, Love

April Kelsey

An Open Letter to Christian Business Owners

by April Kelsey in Christian Issues, LGBT

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Dear Christian Business Owner,

I don’t usually do open letters (it’s against my policy), but today I feel compelled to make an exception. I’m writing to you because I’m genuinely concerned and confused about your objections to serving LGBT folks.

See, when I was growing up in church, my leaders talked about how important it was to seek out opportunities to share the gospel with others. Jesus could return at any time, and people needed to be ready to meet him. For them, this wasn’t just some pretty idea; Christians had a scriptural obligation to win souls, and everyone took it seriously. I knew people who rejoiced when sinners entered their workplace, because it allowed them to plant and water the seeds of salvation through their service.

I don’t know what has happened in the past 25 years to change all of that, but it’s saddening. If you truly believe the LGBT community is most in need of Jesus, why on earth would you advocate for laws to keep them away?

Now, I realize that some of you provide goods and services for weddings, and you believe that marriage should be reserved for heterosexual couples only. You care about your reputation as a Christian within the Christian community, and you don’t want to be seen as giving approval to a union you believe to be sinful. And it’s your business, right? You started it. Theoretically, you should have the right to refuse service to anyone. I understand that.

But think for a moment about the unique… [Read more…] about An Open Letter to Christian Business Owners

Christian and Sexually Empowered

by April Kelsey in Christian Issues

A few years ago, the Church decided to start talking about sex–particularly, married sex. The Church wasn’t doing enough to address it. The sexual revolution had occurred, and the Church had suddenly acquired a reputation for being stuffy and avoidant on the topic. Young people wanted to know about God’s design for sex. Couples wanted to know that sex within marriage was wholesome and healthy, not shameful or dirty. So, the Church has been talking about sex. A lot.

What it hasn’t been talking about, though, is sexual empowerment.

Those words may seem foreign, even unthinkable, in a Christian context. But I believe embracing sexual empowerment is absolutely vital to having a healthy, thriving marriage.

First, it helps to define what sexual empowerment is. Our secular culture, like our churches, have a poor understanding of the term. To many people, sexual empowerment is equated with raunch and promiscuity. We claim that strippers and sex workers are empowered because they lack sexual inhibitions. They have thrown off traditional mores and use their sexual skills to profit for themselves. But that’s not what empowerment really is.

Empowerment is about exercising authority over what is rightfully yours. It is about knowing what you want and how to get it. It is about giving enthusiastic consent within the boundaries that you set. Sexual empowerment has nothing to do with aluminum poles and lingerie; rather, it is about confidence and… [Read more…] about Christian and Sexually Empowered

What I Wish Everyone Knew About Sex Addiction

by April Kelsey in Christian Issues, Current Events

Once again, Josh Duggar is in the news. And, once again, my heart is heavy.

Last week it was revealed that Josh had a paid account on Ashley Madison, a website for people seeking affairs. Josh subsequently released a statement in which he admitted being “unfaithful” to his wife Anna and having a “secret addiction” to pornography—implying that he is, perhaps, a sex addict.

I wouldn’t doubt it at all. I see the patterns clearly.

Josh’s story is very personal for me. In many ways, I have lived this story and continue to live it. I was raised in a fundamentalist household. I was a victim of sexual abuse. My family fell apart after my father’s indiscretions became too much to bear. I know too well what is happening in Anna Duggar’s world right now.

In light of this, here are 10 things I wish everyone understood about sex addiction:

Sex addition is real. The term “addiction” in this case is controversial; some people prefer “compulsion.” No matter what people choose to call it, it is a real physiological and psychological condition. Just like compulsive eating or alcoholism can be used to cope with stress, so can sex. The dopamine feedback cycles and resulting insensitivity a sex addict experiences through their behavior are the same as those experienced by other kinds of addicts.

Sex addiction is a coping strategy. Whether it is to assuage low self-esteem, relieve feelings of neglect or abandonment, or avoid the stress and boredom of… [Read more…] about What I Wish Everyone Knew About Sex Addiction

I Would Have Defended My Abuser, Too

by April Kelsey in Current Events, Fundamentalism

Last week, I learned that the Duggar family will be participating in a documentary on child sex abuse in conjunction with Darkness to Light and Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN).

Last month, Jill and Jessa Duggar appeared on Fox News to talk about their abuse experience and how they’ve forgiven their brother Josh for molesting them. In the interview, the young women minimized what was done to them, saying that Josh was merely “sexually curious” and that the abuse wasn’t that bad.

Though it turned my stomach, it did not surprise me at all. Had a TV reporter sat down with me at age 24, I would have said pretty much the same thing.

At age 8, I was similarly molested by someone close to me. At the time the abuse occurred, I knew that it was wrong, or at least very weird. But I didn’t understand it. Growing up in fundamentalism means that you often don’t have words to explain experiences that occur outside of your worldview–words like rape, consent, agency, autonomy, erotic, vagina, and molestation. For the first three years post-abuse, I was confused about what happened. I wasn’t angry, just confused. I didn’t know what had happened to me or how to contextualize it.

But then, when I was about 11 years old, the reality hit me out of the blue. Suddenly, I had a word to explain my experience. And with that word came the rage. I knew then, without a doubt,… [Read more…] about I Would Have Defended My Abuser, Too

Your "Deeply Held Religious Belief" Isn't Biblical

by April Kelsey in Christian Issues, Current Events

Most of us know the story. An Oregon bakery was found guilty of discrimination and ordered to pay $135,000 in emotional damages for refusing to make a wedding cake for a gay couple, the business owners claiming that such an act would violate their “religious beliefs” against gay marriage.

The phrase “deeply held religious beliefs” has taken center stage in several recent legal battles — most notably in the Hobby Lobby birth control case, and again when a photographer in New Mexico refused to photograph a gay wedding.

The more I hear the words “deeply held religious belief,” the more uneasy I feel. I wasn’t sure why until I had read through the umpteenth article on the subject. And that’s when I realized that the so-called “beliefs” being defended aren’t actually rooted in scripture.

The verse that nearly all of these Christians cite in support of their behavior is Romans 1:32, claiming that it says God not only judges people who sin, but also those who simply approve of sin.

First of all, there is absolutely nothing in the Bible that says selling someone a product in the course of legal business shows approval of the buyer’s lifestyle or behavior. Nothing.

Second, that’s not what the scripture even says. Here it is, in context:

“Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness,… [Read more…] about Your "Deeply Held Religious Belief" Isn't Biblical

Why We Shouldn’t Say "Modest is Hottest"

by April Kelsey in Fundamentalism

Modest is hottest. It’s a phrase that was coined a few years ago to convince Christian women that dressing modestly is sexy and attractive. Because that’s what women care about, right? The male gaze. Knowing that they’re considered pretty and desirable despite ankle-length pants and neck-high collars.

“Modest is hottest” is a phrase that needs to disappear. Immediately. It needs to be completely erased from the Christian lexicon—because it plays right into the secular objectification and hyper-sexualization of women.

Let me explain.

Growing up as a woman in a fundamentalist evangelical community meant that I was often the target of modesty teachings. Men were visual, I was told, and a spaghetti strap, a too-short hemline or a too-thin shirt might cause them to look at me in a sexual way. Never mind that I was in elementary school. Never mind that I lived in Florida with 100+ degree summers and 90 percent humidity. Never mind that my body was about as flat and unexciting as a porch plank. Someone might still try to sexualize my body.

Except that my church had already sexualized my body by teaching these things.

As young as 6, 8, and 10 years old, my friends and I were viewed by our parents and leaders as potential objects of lust and temptation. The fact that a teen or grown adult man could become sexually aroused by our uncovered knees and shoulders was viewed as normal. While we were told… [Read more…] about Why We Shouldn’t Say "Modest is Hottest"